I was trying to go to sleep last night and like most people, my night-time ritual involves perusing various social media sites and catching up on whatever I may have missed. I was on Instagram and I came across pictures of women, various women that were so strikingly perfect. Perfect face, perfect body, perfect hair and I got mad at myself.
I had just consumed, not one but two packs of those little peanut butter and cracker snacks. while binging on Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta.
I started mentally beating myself up and thinking,
"you could look like that if you didn't eat so much crap."
"did you really need to have dinner?"
"from this moment on, I'm eating 100% clean..no fat, no carbs, let's go!"
I mulled these thoughts over and over into my head into I went to sleep.
Earlier that day, I was working on my brand and I was composing my message. The point of the message was to put into words what I'm trying to say with my blog, and what has inspired me to make this blog and keep at it.
Part of my message was that focusing on my style and fashion helped me love and accept myself more and that statement while mostly truly, felt so wrong that night. It's felt wrong on many other days and nights as well when all I saw in myself were the faults.
For the past month, I've consumed only about 1200-1500 calories a day. I don't particularly overeat and I don't eat much junk food at all. So, it's not that I lead an unhealthy lifestyle, but being in this bubble where everyone that's worth their shit is thin, super fit and the damn near the idea of societal perfection really weighs on me and I feel the need to cut even further back, honestly.
But, it would be against what I stand for to put myself in that mind-space and give myself anything other than the love that I deserve. It's just extremely hard for me to have the unconditional love for myself that I really want to have. I often wonder, if I would happier if I was thinner or fitter, and it's hard to decide. But, no one knows...
What I do know is that who I am right now is my reality and I have to love and accept that.
I wish I had a happy ending and inspirational words on how I learned to love myself unconditionally, but I don't. It's a journey that I have to make a conscious effort to continue on.
That's all there really is to it.
I almost didn't post this because I'm being a bit more vulnerable than I expected I would be on this blog but I think it's important to show my vulnerable moment as well as my happy and confident moments.
This is my reality.
I hope you're all well.
Love & Light,
Rachel.
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