Average Fruit.

Lately, I've felt a level of dissatisfaction with myself.
Sometimes, I blame social media.
I follow a lot of my idols on Instagram. A few of them are @latonyayvette, @asiyami_gold, @yagazieezemi, @freddieharreletc. and despite my adoration with these people, who engage in activities and are immersed in the world in a way I can only wish to experience, it feels weird at times.
It feels weird because at times, my adoration turns to envy.
That envy, in turn, becomes dissatisfaction and self-loathing within me.
I'm often able to process the envy into motivation to be better, work harder and reach where these women have reached, but lately I've been falling short.
A lot of times, I blame myself.
Very often I feel as though I don't fit the mold of a 21st century fashion blogger.
I'm not a sleek size 2 with a battalion of fashion friends and photographers that capture my every move. I work 5 days a week, and finding the time for before/after work & weekend photoshoots doesn't work for my schedule as much as I'd like to it.
I tell myself,

..maybe if I'd lose ten pounds.

..maybe, if I hung out with ____ person

...maybe if i did this differently

I consider things that go against the fabric and the reasons I started this blog. I'd pack up and delete everything before I let that happen though.
I just want you all to know that, first and foremost, I'm just an ordinary woman on the quest to be extraordinary.
I'm juggling my current obligations with my future goals and current passions.
It's hard, a lot of the time.
It's hard to get equipment to take blogging as seriously as I'd like.
It's hard to find the time to conceptualize and execute all these ideas that float in and out of my head.
I've often considered giving up, because while being someone that knows the gain that can be found in hard word and perseverance, I doubt my dedication to this.
In doing so, I've been doubting my dedication to myself and my passions.
I wonder if i'll ever reach a point where I am happy with my growth as a blogger, and with what I put out to the world.

This isn''t a resignation;
just some evening thoughts.
thank you for reading & sticking with me.
enjoy some quadron for a soothing send-off

xx,
Rachel.